New Dharma Talks
Being with the Sick and Dying
Updated 06 Jun 2003
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Being with the Sick and Dying
How can our practice inform our dealing with someone who is very ill? You can understand the practice as being totally present, as just showing up — not to get something out of the relationship, but to be there for the other person. Spiritually speaking. when we are here, it is like being here is an end in itself. Being aware, being complete, being awakened — that includes all. Like Buddha said, “When I was enlightened, all beings were enlightened.” So it is our job to be as wakeful or enlightened as we can. That has implications for all, just like if we are a pathological liar or an alcoholic or a killer, that has implications for all around us. Likewise, being a saintly person or being a graceful, ethical, loving person has implications for all. And in those crucial moments — and every moment is a crucial moment, but it seems that when we are with somebody who is dying or being born, it seems more significant, doesn’t it? — it is extremely pertinent how we are, how we show up in that moment, because they are very receptive and there is not a lot else going on. They’re probably very focused and there. Life has come down to this moment. It could be quality time.
When my grandmother was in her eighties, she was at a nursing home. She was sort of losing her marbles. She couldn’t really remember the past any more. But just being with her in the present was totally fine. I noticed other people in my family had a lot of trouble with the fact that she couldn’t remember where I lived and stuff like that. They kept trying to tell her, “This is Jeffrey. You remember Jeffrey. He lives in France and came all the way from France to see you.” She didn’t care about France and couldn’t remember my way of life. But in that moment we were totally together. We had great hours together. She knew who I was, as her beloved grandson, and there we were. That sort of sums up all our lives, I think, if you strip away all the cartoons and beliefs and fantasies. Here we are, right now. Right here. Totally.
Being in the presence of death (or birth, for that matter — births are very transformative too), the more you can be present there, the more you can offer to the situation. Not that you have to bring with you a whole agenda. It is much more simple and deep than that. Even if you don’t know them, you can be there totally for them. That is love. But certainly if you love the person, it is a very profound way to be together. It really comes down to this: Here we are in the universe; infinite eons of time and space have brought us here to this moment. This is all there is. Here we are. No more plans for after the kids go to college. No more stories about the past or future. Just here it is. This is it. That can be incredible. I think what counts really comes from being present and simple, deeply true to yourself and to the situation. Not coming with all kinds of special manuals and spiritual toys and tricks and plans. Not trying to prove yourself. Just being present in the deepest way. That would be transforming. And healing; I would call that healing. They might die, but you might be healing their soul, as it were, and yours too. There might be some profound solace and grace in that. Help them ease on to where they have to go. Be a witness to who they truly are, by honoring and trusting that.
This implies that one has to be accepting that it is happening; not fighting or resisting it. I think working with the ill and dying can be one of the greatest practices for us to develop spiritually — to speak selfishly. It is also a great opportunity and privilege. It’s like a darshan: a vision of reality, of life and death, an encounter with the ultimate. We must show up for that.